The Riddle of Connected Autonomy

Hello :) Hopefully you have read last week's post. If not, go here. More importantly, I hope you have taken the time to ponder my question.

Did you think about it? The question is, how can we be simultaneously independent and connected? When you really think about that question, it is deeper than you might have imagined.

In the post I promised that, this week, I would provide you with an answer. Of course, this is not the only answer. But, it is an answer.

Have you ever read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey? If not, please, please, please read the book. It can be life changing.

In 7 Habits Covey talks about interdependence, and suggests that it is a desirable state. He warns that true interdependence is hard to achieve. I concur. And, that is one of the reasons we should strive for it.

At first, humans are dependent creatures. We know this to be true. Human babies are highly dependent on a caregiver. I have heard it said that humans depend on a caregiver longer than any other mammal. Not sure if that is strictly true but we do remain dependent for many years.

In the parlance of Self-Determination Theory, dependence corresponds with relatedness.

The next stage of development, according to Covey, is independence. This is the stereotypical teenager. I am not sure exactly how long it takes to achieve independence. In fact, I think it can take an entire lifetime. Meaning, some people cease developing once they become independent.

SDT would use the word “autonomy” but we both know the terms are synonymous.

The last stage, in Covey's model, is interdependence. I believe interdependence is an element of what Abraham Maslow would call self-actualization. And, this is where things can get dicey.

Maslow spoke of the internal desire that all human beings have to self-actualize. In simple terms, self-actualization is the process of reaching your full potential. It is about continual growth. According to Maslow, when we stop growing, we become susceptible to neurosis. A complicated but interesting idea.

Anyways, back to Covey's perspective. True interdependence is not easy to achieve. But, even if we never truly achieve interdependence, it is a state worth striving for.

Interdependence is a paradox. It is the state where we are simultaneously connected and autonomous. The buzz word, for interdependence, is synergy. As you probably know, in the synergistic state, 1 + 1 can equal 3 or more.

Let me give an example. One, two-by-four piece of wood might be able to carry twenty pounds of weight. However, when two two-by-four's are used together, they can carry fifty pounds. That is synergy.

Interdependence is desirable because it allows for synergy. It may not be easy but it is worth it. In order to synergize we must allow ourselves to be dependent on others. Of course, we are not obliged to snyergize. It is a choice we make.

Some people choose independence. What might be called “rugged individualism.” And that is perfectly fine. However, an independent soul might choose to evolve further and realize the benefits of interdependence.

In order to truly achieve interdependence, people must first be capable of independence. And, through being interdependent, we can hope to synergize. That is to say, we can hope to collaborate in a mutually beneficial relationship which grows the pie for all involved. Sadly, a dependent person cannot synergize. He or she weighs more than s/he carries.

Yes, I do believe in the value of resolving paradoxes. And, hopefully you choose to play along with me. If we ever hope to experience the benefits of synergy we must learn to become interdependent. And, to become interdependent requires that we learn to live in apparent contradiction. Meaning, we must learn to be both independent and dependent.

A Paradox of Motivation

Back in the 1970's two psychologists, Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, performed research that lead to the creation of Self-Determination Theory.

If you do not know, Self-Determination Theory is about intrinsic motivation. There exists, basically, two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic.

Extrinsic motivation, as the name suggests, is about things external to us. This is the more common form of motivation. Extrinsic motivation is about money, material possessions, titles, prestige, etc.

Intrinsic motivation, again from the name, is about things within ourselves. It is more rare and more difficult to achieve. And, thus, it is more powerful.

Self-Determination Theory talks about the three pillars of intrinsic motivation. They are: Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness.

Autonomy is about independence, something all people yearn for. Competence is about getting good at your job, whatever that job may be. And, relatedness is predicated on the fact that humans are gregarious. That is to say, we tend to enjoy ourselves more in the company of others.

Are you with me so far? Not too difficult, right? Well, let us add a layer of complexity to make things more interesting. Do you see the any contradictions in Self-Determination Theory? I can show you one. Actually, it is not so much a contradiction as it is a paradox.

Autonomy is at odds with relatedness, wouldn't you say? On the one hand, humans yearn for freedom. At the same time, we crave connection. Uh oh!

If you have followed me, for any length of time, you know that I am fascinated by paradoxes. First off, paradoxes are deliciously scintillating. Above and beyond that, paradoxes are EVERYWHERE.

Personally, I believe the paradox is woven into the fabric of the cosmos. Let me give you just one, nerdy example. In quantum physics there exists something called the double-slit experiment. I am not going to explain the experiment right now. If you are interested, please Google it.

What I will say, about the double-slit, is that it demonstrates what is known as “duality.” In simple terms, duality means that things can be both waves and particles. Things can have a dual nature. It is pretty trippy, but it is also true.

Okay, back to my point. What I am advocating, in this blog, and in life in general, is that we practice become good at resolving paradoxes. Today's paradox pertains to intrinsic motivation. Specifically, how can we be both independent and connected?

I am going to answer that question. But not today. I would rather you chew on it for a while. I believe it is a good exercise. Mental exercises help keep us flexible like Benjamin Franklin. They also give us practice embracing the genius of “and.”

Next week, I will post an answer to the question of how we can be both independent and connected. Until then, I do encourage you to think about it. Really think about it. At first glance the answer might seem obvious. But, I would encourage you to not be so dismissive.

Remember, the tenets of Self-Determination Theory are not silly abstractions. What Deci and Ryan have codified talks about deep, human yearnings. True desires. How can we yearn for independence and, simultaneously, yearn to be connected? Are we all just hopelessly two-faced? Is this a cause of mixed emotions and indecision?

I would encourage you to ask yourself how we can deeply desire things that are opposites. I believe that having that answer is worthwhile. And, next week, we will talk more about it.

You: The Best Guru EVER

This week, I say it is time for a little more borrowed genius. Seeing as, last week, I violated the rules of copywriting, this week I figured I should make a nod to the experts.

Do you know much about a gentleman named Frank Kern? If not, Kern is usually labeled an “internet marketing expert.” I think that label is kind of silly. Kern is an adman. Among other things, Frank is mostly a copywriter.

At any rate, in his typically irreverent fashion, Frank wrote a great blog post, and I wanted to pass it along to you. The rest of this post are the words of Mr. Kern:

A few weeks ago, I was on the porch knocking back a Modelo Especial working and I noticed one of my friends walking up to the front door.

So I eased on down the steps, let him in, and invited him to up to the porch to take in the scenery with me.

He readily agreed so I grabbed us both a couple of Mexico’s finest beers and we took our seats.

But something was wrong. My (normally laid back) buddy was all weirded out.

“Poor bastard’s probably suffering from a beer deficiency”, I thought as I went to grab us a few more.

They didn’t do the trick so I finally asked him what was wrong.

Turned out he’d been disappointed with a recent “Guru” experience. I’m not talking about spiritual guru stuff here …I mean “get-your-shit-together-in-business” stuff.

That type of Guru.

No, there’s no drama to report …nobody felt ripped off or hosed or anything. It’s just that the relationship didn’t work out as planned and my buddy was bummed.

“I really thought this was the guy who would take me where I want to go”, he said.

And There You Have It …The Root Of The Problem Revealed

See …here’s the deal (and this is what I tried to explain to my friend without sounding all high and mighty):

YOU are the only person who can take you where you want to go. There is no Guru, teacher, mentor, author, speaker, shaman, or whatever who can or will do that for you.

Ever.

Sure, they can show you cool stuff. They can show you what worked for them, they can give you encouragement and motivation …and they can help you keep your head on straight when the going gets weird.

But in the immortal words of Hunter S. Thompson,

“When The Going Gets Weird, The Weird Turn Pro”

And what that means in the context of this little rant is simple:

DON’T FUCK AROUND AND EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE TO SAVE THE DAY.

They won’t. Hell, they can’t! Not even if they want to. Only YOU can.

So whenever you’re considering buying advice, coaching, mentoring, seminar tickets, or whatever – understand this:

They Are All WORTHLESS

...Unless you’re bull-headed enough to immediately put what you learn into action. (And then get right back to work when your first attempts inevitably present some challenges).

And if you’re waiting until you get some big amazing revelation before you actually do something, you’re going to be waiting a long time. There ain’t one.

Well, that’s not entirely true. There is one …but it’s just kind of anti climatic. Here it is:

Some Stuff Works, Some Doesn’t.

And the stuff that’s worked for lots of other people will probably work for you too …if you put in the effort.

See …that’s the key word there.

Effort.

Let’s juice it up and add the word “educated” to it.

Now we have “educated effort”. And that’s a hell of a thing.

See, with “educated effort”, you can do anything you want.

Add in a little “determination” and you’re damn near unstoppable.

Then throw in a little bump of what my teacher Dan Kennedy calls “stick-to-it-iveness” and you WILL get to where you want to go.

Let’s take a look at the last part of that sentence.

YOU. Will. Get. To. Where. YOU. Want. To. Go.

We didn’t say “[INSERT GURU HERE] will get you where you want to go”, did we?

Nope.

You.

All a Guru can give you is education.

But the fact remains that’s only 25% of what you need.

You still need throw in 25% effort, 25% determination, and 25% sticktoitiveness.

...And that’s the 75% that YOU and ONLY YOU can provide!

So that's why YOU are really the only Guru who can EVER get you to where you want to go!

Hell, how much education do you need, anyway?

Imagine a guy wanting to lose weight (ahem). How many books does he need to buy? For the love of God, it’s easy! Put the fork down and walk around for a few hours a day.

Do that for a month or so and you’ll weigh less. (Duh!)

That’s been the winning formula forever, right?

But There’s A Gazillion Dollar Industry Delivering “New” Weight Loss Stuff Every Day!

There’s a new diet book every 20 minutes or so it seems.

And the books aren’t the problem. I’m sure they all work if the reader takes the education they just got, adds in a lot of effort, determination, and sticktoitiveness.

But that clearly doesn’t happen. People just keep buying books and gizmos that go unused. Same thing happens in the marketing world. We buy courses and seminars and then jump to the next one …without implementing any of the stuff we just learned.

Why?

Because The Short-Term Pain Of Effort Is Often Perceived To Be Worse Than The Long-Term Pain Of Failure

There it is. The ugly truth.

It’s hard to get out there …try …work like hell … probably hit a few road blocks …and then keep busting ass until you succeed.

It’s a LOT harder (and less fun) than buying the latest “shiny object” and enjoying that temporary mental “high” that comes from the false sense of productivity you get from making the purchase.

But the fact is, the ONLY way you’ll get anywhere is to realize that YOU ARE THE GURU and that ONLY YOU can make it happen.

So if you keep on buying advice without putting forth determined and consistent effort to implement what you’ve learned, you will NOT succeed.

But if you’re willing to endure the short-term discomfort that stems from stepping outside your comfort zone and actually working like crazy for a while, you’ll get to where you want to go.

All the “Gurus” can do for you is give you the car, so to speak. It’s still up to you to get gas and actually drive it.

My Challenge To You

1. Don’t buy any advice this month. Go back and re-read whatever you’ve bought in the past. It’s still good.

2. Turn off the damn computer and write down all the good stuff you learn. On a legal pad. (OLD SCHOOL!)

3. Review those notes and write down every possible action you could take to start making money immediately. Do whatever actions jump out at you. Don’t over think this. Just do it. Life is short!

4. Write a new offer for your products. You’ve probably bought a ton of stuff on writing offers and copy …so dig it out of the closet and put it to use. Nothing happens until something gets sold. So start selling (and quit buying).

5. Take the money you would have spent on whatever new marketing product you were thinking about buying this month (but didn’t) and use that money to drive traffic to your offer. That’s right! Invest in business instead of buying more stuff about business. Revolutionary concept!

6. Measure the results of your activity (note the word ACTIVITY!) and tweak accordingly.

7. Repeat 1-6.

Oh – and if you’ve ever looked for a magic formula, that’s pretty much it.

I know because I’ve been at this now for 11 years and I’ve tried everything.

It’s simple:

1. See what worked for other people.

2. Try it for yourself.

3. Adjust according to results.

4. Repeat

Now Let’s Kick Some Ass

We’re heading into the 4th quarter and ’tis the season to SELL THE HELL OUT OF YOUR STUFF.

This is the time of year when people love to buy things more than ever …and that means your odds of success are even greater!

So get to work and let me know how you’re doing with my challenge. Leave me updates in the comments below.

Ossification

If you are trying to write a great headline, you probably DO NOT want to use the word “ossification.” But, me? I like to have a little fun. What's more, I am not going to use all the tricks and techniques. My articles are not always named, “The Four Secrets to Guarantee Unlimited Success.”

At any rate, let us talk, for a minute, about ossification. If the word is not coming to mind, the word ossification is defined as, “A tendency toward or state of being molded into a rigid, conventional, sterile, or unimaginative condition.” As we age we tend to ossify. And, often times, that is not a good thing.

In some ways ossification is inevitable. I mean, I figure rigor mortis is a form of ossification. But, let us talk about something we actually have control over. Namely, the thoughts and beliefs that run through our mind.

As we get older, we tend to get set in our ways. Becoming set in our ways can be a good thing and it can be bad. First, the good. Routines are not only good, they are necessary. They save us much time and brain power. Could you imagine having to figure out how to shower every day? Yikes!

At the same time, set patterns of thought and action can also backfire. The world is a fast moving place, and evolution is life's imperative. If we are stuck in old ways of thinking and acting, if we succumb to ossification, we can set ourselves up for failure.

To warn against the perils of ossification I want to tell a little story about Benjamin Franklin. Franklin was expert at keeping a flexible mind. As you probably know, Ben was of one three people assigned to negotiate the peace with Great Britain.

After the Revolutionary War Franklin, John Adams, and John Jay were the three people in charge of making peace with the English. A difficult task indeed. Once an agreement was made, it must be upheld. This is where we encounter something of a conundrum.

Just think about it. The Americans entered into a peace treaty. A treaty that was only as good as it was honored. Part of the treaty involved the repayment of debts. In order to pay those debts, the American government needed to collect taxes.

This is where a big problem was encountered. The entire Revolutionary War was largely fought as a tax protest. We all know about the Boston Tea Party and the famous saying, “No taxation without representation.” So, how does one square this circle?

I will not get into all the ways America repaid her debts. The point of this blog is to highlight an element of Franklin's genius. Old Ben was 78 years of age when the war was over. And, he had long preached the virtues of frugality.

The American colonialists, like a lot of people, enjoyed their luxuries. And Franklin had long warned against the folly of over consumption. Especially while he was trying to convince his fellow countrymen to repay their war debts.

Here is where Franklin provides us with such a genius model. Even at the ripe, old age of seventy-eight, Ben was able to invert his beliefs and assumptions. An idea I wrote about here. Having spent a lifetime promoting the importance of frugality Dr. Franklin was still able to consider the virtues of luxury.

Specifically, Franklin thought about the motivating power of luxury. He asked, “Is not the hope of being one day able to purchase and enjoy luxuries a great spur to labour and industry? May not luxury, therefore, produce more than it consumes?”

I have to trust you can appreciate the genius of Franklin's mind. F Scott Fitzgerald is quoted as saying, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind, at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” And, Ben Franklin's 78 year old mind clearly demonstrated first-rate intelligence.

As we all know, the founding of America was a truly profound event. And, it took profound intelligence to catalyze such as event. Ben Franklin being perhaps the most profound of all.

What I am recommending, in this post, is that we all remember Dr. Franklin. I am recommending that we keep our minds elastic and flexible. One way to do this can be summed up in three words, “Invert, always invert.”

See ya soon :)

If They Don't Care, Don't Waste Your Time

Marshall Goldsmith is a pretty well known executive/leadership coach. Not too long ago I read a little blog post of his and I really liked it. So, I have decided to pass the information along. The following comes directly from Mr. Goldsmith.

If you are an entrepreneur, you need a team. This will/may require that you coach people.

My job is to help people achieve positive, lasting change in behavior. Every once in a while I run across someone who doesn't want to change. What do I do to convince them that the change is good for them?

Nothing.

Have you ever tried to change the behavior of an adult who had absolutely no interest in changing? How much luck did you have with your attempts at this "religious conversion"? Have you ever tried to change the behavior of a spouse, partner or parent who had no interest in changing? How did that work out for you?

My guess is that if you have ever tried to change someone else's behavior, and that person did not want to change, you have been consistently unsuccessful in changing their behavior. You may have even alienated the person you were trying to enlighten?

If they don't care, don't waste your time.

Research on coaching is clear and consistent. Coaching is most successful when applied to people who want to improve -- not when applied to people who have no interest in changing. This is true whether you are acting as a professional coach, a manager, a family member, or a friend.

Your time is very limited. The time you waste trying to change people who do not care is time stolen from people who do want to change.

As an example, back in Valley Station, Kentucky, my mother was an outstanding first grade school teacher. In Mom's mind, I was always in the first grade, my Dad was in the first grade, and all of our relatives were in the first grade.

She is always correcting everybody.

My Dad's name was Bill. Mom was always scolding "Bill! Bill!" when he did something wrong. We bought a talking bird. In a remarkably short period of time the bird started screeching "Bill! Bill!" Now Dad was being corrected by a bird.

Years passed. When Mom corrected his faulty grammar for the thousandth time, Dad sighed, "Honey, I am 70 years old. Let it go.”

If you are still trying to change people who have no interest in changing, take Dad's advice. Let it go.

Click here to watch a short YouTube video from Marshall Goldsmith.