Hello :)
Hopefully you have read last week's post. If not, go here. More
importantly, I hope you have taken the time to ponder my question.
Did you
think about it? The question is, how can we be simultaneously
independent and connected? When you really think about that question,
it is deeper than you might have imagined.
In the
post I promised that, this week, I would provide you with an answer.
Of course, this is not the only answer. But, it is an answer.
Have you
ever read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen
Covey? If not, please, please, please read the book. It can be life
changing.
In 7
Habits Covey talks about interdependence, and suggests that it is
a desirable state. He warns that true interdependence is hard to
achieve. I concur. And, that is one of the reasons we should strive
for it.
At
first, humans are dependent creatures. We know this to be true. Human
babies are highly dependent on a caregiver. I have heard it said that
humans depend on a caregiver longer than any other mammal. Not sure
if that is strictly true but we do remain dependent for many years.
In the
parlance of Self-Determination Theory, dependence corresponds with
relatedness.
The next
stage of development, according to Covey, is independence. This is
the stereotypical teenager. I am not sure exactly how long it takes
to achieve independence. In fact, I think it can take an entire
lifetime. Meaning, some people cease developing once they become
independent.
SDT
would use the word “autonomy” but we both know the terms are
synonymous.
The last
stage, in Covey's model, is interdependence. I believe
interdependence is an element of what Abraham Maslow would call
self-actualization. And, this is where things can get dicey.
Maslow
spoke of the internal desire that all human beings have to
self-actualize. In simple terms, self-actualization is the process of
reaching your full potential. It is about continual growth. According
to Maslow, when we stop growing, we become susceptible to neurosis. A
complicated but interesting idea.
Anyways,
back to Covey's perspective. True interdependence is not easy to
achieve. But, even if we never truly achieve interdependence, it is a
state worth striving for.
Interdependence
is a paradox. It is the state where we are simultaneously connected
and autonomous. The buzz word, for interdependence, is synergy. As
you probably know, in the synergistic state, 1 + 1 can equal 3 or
more.
Let me
give an example. One, two-by-four piece of wood might be able to
carry twenty pounds of weight. However, when two two-by-four's are
used together, they can carry fifty pounds. That is synergy.
Interdependence
is desirable because it allows for synergy. It may not be easy but it
is worth it. In order to synergize we must allow ourselves to be
dependent on others. Of course, we are not obliged to snyergize. It
is a choice we make.
Some
people choose independence. What might be called “rugged
individualism.” And that is perfectly fine. However, an independent
soul might choose to evolve further and realize the benefits of
interdependence.
In order
to truly achieve interdependence, people must first be capable of
independence. And, through being interdependent, we can hope to
synergize. That is to say, we can hope to collaborate in a mutually
beneficial relationship which grows the pie for all involved. Sadly,
a dependent person cannot synergize. He or she weighs more than s/he
carries.
Yes, I
do believe in the value of resolving paradoxes. And, hopefully you
choose to play along with me. If we ever hope to experience the
benefits of synergy we must learn to become interdependent. And, to
become interdependent requires that we learn to live in apparent
contradiction. Meaning, we must learn to be both independent and
dependent.
