The 10 Dumbest Mistakes - Part Three

Chapter Four – Personalizing

Like all the other mistakes cited in this book, personalizing is an equal opportunity error.

An over the top sports fan might say, “You insult the Cowboys, you insult me!”

Recognizing the situation for what it is will help.

(As humans) we monitor our acceptance, our approval rating, our reception as keenly as any politician among us does … In a myriad of ways we constantly ask: “How am I doing?”

Of course, we do not want to go to the other extreme. The world would be a terrible place if we took nothing personally.

When we perceive an insult where none was meant, the pain you feel is self-inflicted.

Because she is insecure about how her mother-in-law feels about her and so she is scanning for negatives.

Personalizing keeps anger alive. Hurt leads to anger.

Personalizing can be exhausting. It leaves little time or energy for productive pursuits.

You are actually rejecting yourself before anyone else gets a chance to do it.

He has assumed that the business owner's conclusion about the service is a conclusion about Joe's abilities or Joe.

Personalizing leads to feeling guilty. It's unfair to do it to yourself.

You many well conclude that since you are responsible for that child being under your roof, you are responsible ever after for every single thing the child does. But that's not true.

We may not like it. But that doesn't mean the children are doing it to “get us.”

Three-year-olds who love being with either parent along may protest when both parents are together.

The teen is trying to show independence.

Driving a car is like being in control of a small kingdom, and when other motorists don't show the king or queen proper respect, most of us have a tendency to want to say: “Off with their heads.”

It is not necessary to approve of every other driver to avoid the personalizing mistake.

When bad things happen, a person who personalizes tend to think, “What did I do to deserve this?”

The key to reducing the problems caused by Personalizing is simply to stop, review what you are thinking, and analyze those thoughts. S-l-o-w d-o-w-n and think about … Consider whether there could be any other explanation … The idea is to merely make yourself aware of when some other explanation is plausible.

“That's just making excuses for people,” you might say. And that could be. But, since the truth is not known, it makes as much sense to consider alternative explanations that do not imply a personal insult rather than an explanation that creates anger, hurt, or embarrassment … Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Do people blame you for outcomes of all kinds? Of course. Sometimes it's deserved and sometimes not.

As you mentally review the possible outcome of teaching that jerk a lesson, you may well decide that, although you are fully justified in being angry, you could lose more than you gain by attempting to confront him … The question “Then what?” may have more than one possible answer … It is always possible to pick our fights.

If something is trivial once, repeating it does not make it more significant.

You do not have to take personal responsibility for his inability to appreciate good food.

Chapter Five – Believing Your Press Agent

People who believe they can walk on water have a way of sinking over their heads.

Yes, optimism is a good thing. But, just as a proper dose of vitamins is helpful but an overdose of the same vitamins can be toxic, too much optimism can get you into trouble.

Too much positive thinking can hurt you.

If you are successful at everything you try, your reality is pleasant indeed. But most of us are not equally adept at everything.

In his first book about himself, Donald Trump bragged about his ability to make deals in which he acquired hotels, casinos, and other assets. In his second book, Trump admitted that good though he was at deal making, he hadn't paid enough attention to running those assets after he bought them.

A man's second wife is upset with him for buying his daughter a car. But, because the man believes his own press agent, he does not feel he owes the new wife any explanation.

A belief in your own superiority can lead to blaming others when problems arise.

When you have achieved something, and others recognize that achievement, it's easy to feel you no longer have to prove yourself.

We aren't going to get rewards based on our proud past (aka Don't rest on your laurels)

When times are tough, some people react by taking up residence in the past … If you are too rigid in defining what you can accept, you are likely to fail to see opportunities when they are.

Your mother has told you all your life how wonder you are, and would she lie? No, of course not (This can cause you to believe your own press) Tom grew up believing he was always right. Negotiation, explanation, and compromise were for other people. Never for him.

Friends are expected to flatter and praise (which can cause you to start believing your own press)

Flattery will get you everywhere, so it is said (And some bosses start to believe the hype) Yes men are more popular with some executives than subordinates who are prepared to argue.

Many people so dislike being the bearer of negative news. So, sometimes it is the people you work for that contribute to this thinking mistake.

Sometimes the voice of privilege is the cause. A sense of entitlement. “He was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.”

It can be the voice of religion, a kind of divine protection, which causes you to be convinced of your own invincibility.

A teacher may say: “You can be anything you want to be.”

Two types of people are most prone to these internal hype artists: those who simply choose to believe that they are wonderful because someone, usually a parent, has told them so. And those who have legitimately achieved at a high level at on point in their lives and use that as the lifelong basis for everything they do.

It's not that revving up the can-do spirit isn't helpful. There is great power in what psychologists call positive affirmation … But this sort of thing is only for the short term.

Considering the downside of anything is not a cheerful business. But it's part of facing reality.

You may have to work hard to make your dreams come true.

A lot of life depends on how you look at it. A Marine General told a reporter, “We are not retreating. We're just advancing in a different direction.” In ordinary life as in war, one is sometimes forced to retreat … Step back to proceed again.

The trick in dealing with press agents is learning how to enjoy all the compliments they pay without being controlled by them.

Buy based on your assessment of a product, not on the salesperson's assessment of you.

Every emperor could use at least one child around.

Purely thinking positive thoughts can backfire (This happens to be the thesis of Gabriele Oettingen's book Rethinking Positive Thinking)

The true winning attitude is a realistic one. It is confidence backed by an open mind. It is a willingness to take responsibility for the efforts required.

The 10 Dumbest Mistakes - Part Two

Chapter Two – The Chicken Little Syndrome

(This has everything to do with jumping to conclusions)

This is the sort of behavior known as catastrophizing. The mind leaps to believe the worst. Disaster appears to lie jump around the corner. Psychologist Albert Ellis calls it “awfulizing,” because the individuals involved imagine a consequence so awful that they will not be able to stand it.

(Chick Little Syndrome causes that “sinking feeling” people get when they anticipate bad things)

This thought was so terrifying that their bodies responded with a feeling of numbness, or palpitations, or chills.

There are all sorts of situations in which it is easy enough to lose your cool.

A common tendency of those who believe that disaster is unavoidable is to simply give up.

This is the infamous self-fulfilling prophecy.

All Chicken Little and his friends have on their minds is escaping a falling sky. So they don't question the fox's offer of refuge but unthinkingly go with him.

All this is not a call for what is generally known as positive thinking. Far from it. This entire book is a call to realistic thinking.

More often than not, a hasty conclusion turns out to be wrong.

Realistic thinkers do not deny that the worst is possible, but they also don't assume the worst is guaranteed without investigating first.

This is what we commonly refer to as making a mountain out of a molehill.

As psychiatrist Dr Aaron Beck discovered in his groundbreaking research, what happens is that you quite literally talk yourself into that worst conclusion.

(Our internal conversations) take place not in minutes but in seconds, maybe even milliseconds … Dr Beck calls these quick-flying thoughts “automatic thoughts.”

She is so busy thinking of how terrible will be the outcome she can't think clearly. Her automatic thoughts are working against her.

Automatic thoughts are perfectly normal.

You can easily replay the tape of your thoughts if you concentrate on doing so.

Learning how to argue with your automatic thoughts will help you avoid those self-fulfilling prophecies of disaster.

This does not mean you have to constantly monitor every thought you have. It doesn't mean analyzing everything you do.

Develop your skill so that you can call on that skill when you need it.

The first – and most important – technique is checking for meaning.

We like to think that we always say what we mean and mean what we say. But, if you think about it, you'll have to admit this isn't true.

Often you don't really mean what you are thinking.

(If you are struggling with jumping to conclusions, and the Chicken Little Syndrome, try to make a habit of asking yourself “Is that really true?”)

It is so helpful to realize that catastrophizing can occur.

Another technique is questioning the evidence.

The Chicken Little Syndrome can occur at any time.

Writing down your thoughts helps you to reach them.

You know the answers. You just have to remember to ask yourself the questions.

What seems to be a dire event seems less so when you see it in writing.

It may help you to imagine yourself trying to convince somebody else that things are not as bad as you claim … Play your own defense attorney … you need to review the evidence.

If you conclusion has not happened in the past, why assume the situation is different this time?

Since she does not know which, if any, of the explanations is so, why believe – and get hysterical about – the worst one?

When examining a catastrophic scene, that you have drawn in your mind, ask yourself, “What is wrong with this picture?”

The object is always to question that first disastrous conclusion. The object is to resist the temptation to rush right down the mental shortcut that takes you from a single negative thought to a conclusion that disaster is imminent and unavoidable.

There is no shortage of paths to travel when you allow yourself to take that shortcut to disaster. When you analyze your thoughts, check to see whether you are heading down one of these troublesome paths:

The Path of Global Effect – You take a single failure in one segment of your life and draw conclusions from it for your whole life.

The Path of Generalization – You say to yourself: “That didn't work well this time,” which means it will never work.

The Path of Imitation – Imitation might be called the Turkey Lurky effect because it involves adopting, without any examination or questioning, the catastrophic conclusions of others.

The Path of Magnification – You make a mountain out of a molehill. You make a small mistake or have a minor negative experience and assume that it will have major consequences. This is a favorite path of hypochondriacs.

Catastrophizers seem to have the ability to transmit their tension to others.

What we view is the worst that can happen is a highly individual matter.

There's a joke told about a hypochondriac who dies at the age of ninety-eight and has inscribed on his tombstone, “See, I told you I was sick.”

Realistic thinking means that you don't magnify the results of a single negative event without investigating.

It's reasonable to be self-protective … Simply giving yourself, and events, the benefit of the doubt will open your mind to possible solutions and opportunities … True protection lies in realistically assessing your situation.

Chapter Three – Mind Reading

Deep down, all of us know that mind reading is either impossible or at least extraordinarily rare.

It's an illusions that can occur in two ways: (1) assuming that we can tell what other people are thinking or (2) assuming that other people not only can, but should, know exactly what we are thinking without having to be told.

It's true that you can often anticipate the wishes or actions of someone you know well. But trouble lies in wait if you assume that you can know how someone will react every time.

Even with someone you know very well you cannot count on being right all the time. People have a way of being unpredictable.

Rachel was angry because her husband had failed to fulfill her unspoken wishes and expectations … The bottom line is that Rachel cannot know what Tom is thinking unless she asks him. He cannot know what she is thinking unless she tells him.

Making assumptions is a form of mental shorthand, and it's extremely helpful in keeping life moving along.

Psychologists and psychiatrists learn how to turn off their professional ear in purely social situations so that they are not constantly pondering: “What did he really mean by that?”

Doting pet owners are inclined to endow their birds and animals with human attributes and read their minds accordingly … It's normal but it's not mind reading.

We draw from all sorts of cues and clues in our detecting efforts. We attribute meaning to what we see and hear … But looks can be deceiving … Tears may flow from disappointment or happiness.

It's important to remember that no matter how we go about assembling the evidence from which we draw conclusions, one thing about them is always true, they only provide a partial picture.

(Humans tend to have a need for closure. Wheel of Fortune has turned it into a game.)

Remember – Mind reading gets us into trouble when we believe it is something we can do: with everybody, perfectly, all the time. What you actually can do is to guess the thoughts of: some people, with some accuracy, some of the time.

Let's list some of the most common ways people who assume they know what is in another's mind can go wrong:

– You draw a conclusion about what someone else is thinking based on what you would think in that same position.

– You draw a conclusion based on past behavior.

– You reach your conclusion based on what you expect, having written the end of the story first.

– You may draw a conclusion based on what you want the answer to be.

– You draw a conclusion based on insufficient data.

– Your conclusion ignores the existence of cultural or personality differences.

– You are misreading visual or verbal cues.

– The object of your mind reading is sending false messages.

When you send a message in code, you can't be sure the other person can decipher it.

A mother knows quite often but not always.

Once you are willing to accept the fact that mind reading does not always work, you are well on the way to knowing better when it matters.

A first line of defense is simply to identify the mistake. Ask yourself, “Am I mind reading?”

As with every thinking mistake, it helps to write down your assumptions if you can.

Particularly useful here is a trio of techniques known as developing alternatives in thought, developing alternatives in feeling, and developing alternatives in action.

Since the boss has not said what he thinks, alternative conclusions are equally valid.

It may be possible to test your perceptions in small ways.

It can be helpful to imagine a different image for yourself and others. Picture having a good time … Practice … Self-fulfilling prophecies can work two ways.

On occasion, giving up the mind reading mistake means speaking up in a direct way … Clear, spoken language.

Speaking up will guarantee that Marie will get the result she desires. But only by speaking up does Marie make it possible for that result to occur.

Most people would much prefer to win a contest without having to go through the bother of entering it, but that's not the way things generally work.

The most important mind to read is your own.

The 10 Dumbest Mistakes - Part One

As promised, I am passing along my notes (excerpts, really) from the book The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make and How to Avoid Them

Introduction – How do we know which are the ten dumbest mistakes?

These are mistakes that inflict all manner of needless emotional suffering.

We are talking about very specific mistakes in thinking that create problems for us, worsen our existing problems, or make it more difficult to find problem solutions.

It is precisely when you are not thinking straight that you develop and deepen feelings of anxiety, misery, guilt, anger, and stress.

Cognitive therapists differ from other schools of therapy in the emphasis placed on the role that “thinking straight” plays in relieving emotional suffering.

The debate centers on what matters most: feelings, actions or thoughts.

Undoubtedly, the way you feel is important.

Experience has shown that it is possible to learn how to behave in more productive ways – and still feel miserable.

What sets cognitive therapy apart is that it combines all the pieces.

No matter what others have done to you in the past, you don't have to punish or forgive them to allow yourself to move on.

It's always tempting to blame others … you have to say: “It's up to me.”

You can change the way you think about the events in your life.

Our emotions and our actions are not separate from our thoughts … Thinking is the gateway to our emotions.

Different thoughts produce different emotions.

The way you think about your situation determines how you feel about it.

You sometimes think in ways that hurt you (No matter how smart you are)

What all the mistakes described in the chapters of this book have in common is:

1. They occur in our thought processes

2. They cause us great difficulty

3. They make us feel miserable

4. They are relatively easy to avoid

5. They are reactions we would avoid if we thought about them in a clear and reasonable manner

Most of us posses sufficient common sense to deal with life's crises and challenges.

To avoid making these common thinking mistakes we need a set of smart thinking tools that enable us to push back on that emotion and return our common sense.

Many actions we take seem like a good idea at the time.

Not so long ago, a researcher asked a group of people who had been treated for skin cancer if they would now avoid sitting outside in the sun. Many replied: “What? And lose my tan?”

What these techniques can do is combat those misjudgments and missteps you make only because you are not thinking clearly at the time.

These are the kinds of mistakes that can cloud your vision and distort your decision-making abilities.

(These mistakes) are dumb not because scientists have labeled them with that admittedly unscientific term, but because that is how most people who make such mistakes describe them to themselves.

This book will enable you to become aware of your own patterns of thinking.

Chapter One – Knowing Better

You hear about famous people who, given their position in life, must be pretty smart, doing incredibly dumb things that ruin a valued relationship, sink a business, cost a bundle, wipe out a chance for an important government office, cancel a lifetime a effort, or simply embarrass that famous someone all over the front page and the evening news. And you wonder: What were they thinking about?

One might assume equal wounds would cause equal pain. The difference lies in the way the two groups think about the wound … Anxiety increases pain.

It was not the event (divorce) that was determinative, but rather the way the individual involved saw the event.

Your frame of mind can change, quite literally, from one moment to the next.

Each of us has a stress threshold below which we operate quite well and beyond which our circuits begin to misfire.

People with stress thresholds at the low end of the scale tend to be quite anxious.

When you cross your threshold, your nerves and muscles seem to rise in protest.

These automatic modes are known as fight, flight, and freeze, and it's easy to understand how these may well have protected humankind in prehistoric times.

When you cross your stress threshold, your system is protectively reacting to a saber-toothed tiger, which means that, one way or the other, your brain is no longer under your voluntary control.

If you can decrease the occasions when you cross your stress threshold, you will increase your control over the events of your life. Fortunately, this is not hard to do.

You have a grinding headache or you didn't get any sleep the previous night or you have recently suffered a death in the family.

Ordinary stresses that Amy normally takes in stride now seem like personal insults.

Factors that result in lowering your stress threshold are known as vulnerability factors: situations that make you more vulnerable to stress … HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired … Others include pain, illness, lack of sleep, substance abuse, a major loss, and a major change of any kind – even one for the better.

You may fall victim to mistakes in thinking when you feel lonely or when you have a headache or when you are rushed or when you have had too much to drink.

Break through those patterns and regain control.

Recognition is the first step to getting these troublesome reactions under control.

You may well argue that an insistence on perfection is a virtue. It is – sometimes. But, sometimes an insistence on perfection can become a vice, a trap.

Something only becomes a mistake if it gets in the way of what you want to do instead of helping you, or if it causes emotional pain.

You can literally unleash your brain to come to your rescue in times of stress.

This is a matter of making better use of our ability to reason, not of improving our ability to make excuses (something that most of us do only too well now).

There are times when your instincts need some help from your brain.

We have good and bad habits in the way we think.

You acquire your own particular schema by incorporating some or all of the rules to live by that you are taught.

Because we grow up believing that our particular schema is simply “the way things are,” we tend not to question it.

This is the bottom line: Harmful habits can be broken. You can break a bad habit of thought, just as you can break a bad habit of action.

Stop, look, and listen, and change

What this book can promise is that it will show you how to gain greater control of your own brain power and minimize these very common errors.

As often as not, several factors will intertwine … The twenty-five specific techniques in this book will help you … Many of these techniques are best when used in combination.

When you use the information this book provides, you will not only know better, you'll be able to live better, too.

OK, now what?

Recently, I suggested that we avoid the things which make us anxious. Actually, it was not me who made the suggestion. The idea comes from the great Aaron Beck.

Of course, we often resist the idea that we are anxious. Often times we just feel that we are uncomfortable. In this way we avoid things that make us uncomfortable. We tend to stay in our comfort zones.

To deal with the thoughts that make us anxious, or uncomfortable, I proposed The 2-D Solution. The two D's are: Distract and Dispute.

The distract part of the equation is relatively straightforward. Most people are experts at distracting themselves. We watch TV, or surf the internet, or excite ourselves with gambling or video gaming. All forms of distraction.

The hard part, the real challenge, is to dispute the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that give us grief.

For the most part, the thoughts which give rise to bad feelings and actions are the result of distorted thinking. For various reasons, when are emotional brain is in the driver's seat we tend to make thinking mistakes. Very simply because the emotional brain was created for survival not accuracy.

And, as it turns out, these mistakes are quite systematic and predictable. So, the idea is to dispute these inaccurate, problematic thoughts. Of course, the question quickly becomes, “How do you do that?”

I wish I can give you an easy answer. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers when dealing with the mind. However, the good news is there are very real and very effective solutions to be had.

I have thought about this for a while and have decided that the best way to pass along these effective solutions is to give you an overview of an outstanding book.

In the past I have noticed a lot of my readers read the book notes/reports that I post. So, in hopes that I might help someone understand how to correct (dispute) their thinking mistakes, over the next few weeks I will be posting my notes from a great book by Arthur Freeman.

Dr. Arthur Freeman is the real deal. Having received his doctorate degree from Columbia University, Freeman then studied under the legends Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck. As a matter of fact, Aaron Beck wrote the preface to the book I will be posting.

The book is titled The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make and How to Avoid Them. Simple and Sure Techniques for Gaining Greater Control of Your Life.

Trust me, it's good. So, stay tuned!