Chapter
Four – Personalizing
Like
all the other mistakes cited in this book, personalizing is an equal
opportunity error.
An
over the top sports fan might say, “You insult the Cowboys, you
insult me!”
Recognizing
the situation for what it is will help.
(As
humans) we monitor our acceptance, our approval rating, our reception
as keenly as any politician among us does … In a myriad of ways we
constantly ask: “How am I doing?”
Of
course, we do not want to go to the other extreme. The world would be
a terrible place if we took nothing personally.
When
we perceive an insult where none was meant, the pain you feel is
self-inflicted.
Because
she is insecure about how her mother-in-law feels about her and so
she is scanning for negatives.
Personalizing
keeps anger alive. Hurt leads to anger.
Personalizing
can be exhausting. It leaves little time or energy for productive
pursuits.
You
are actually rejecting yourself before anyone else gets a chance to
do it.
He
has assumed that the business owner's conclusion about the service is
a conclusion about Joe's abilities or Joe.
Personalizing
leads to feeling guilty. It's unfair to do it to yourself.
You
many well conclude that since you are responsible for that child
being under your roof, you are responsible ever after for every
single thing the child does. But that's not true.
We
may not like it. But that doesn't mean the children are doing it to
“get us.”
Three-year-olds
who love being with either parent along may protest when both parents
are together.
The
teen is trying to show independence.
Driving
a car is like being in control of a small kingdom, and when other
motorists don't show the king or queen proper respect, most of us
have a tendency to want to say: “Off with their heads.”
It
is not necessary to approve of every other driver to avoid the
personalizing mistake.
When
bad things happen, a person who personalizes tend to think, “What
did I do to deserve this?”
The
key to reducing the problems caused by Personalizing is simply to
stop, review what you are thinking, and analyze those thoughts.
S-l-o-w d-o-w-n and think about … Consider whether there could be
any other explanation … The idea is to merely make yourself aware
of when some other explanation is plausible.
“That's
just making excuses for people,” you might say. And that could be.
But, since the truth is not known, it makes as much sense to consider
alternative explanations that do not imply a personal insult rather
than an explanation that creates anger, hurt, or embarrassment …
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Do
people blame you for outcomes of all kinds? Of course. Sometimes it's
deserved and sometimes not.
As
you mentally review the possible outcome of teaching that jerk a
lesson, you may well decide that, although you are fully justified in
being angry, you could lose more than you gain by attempting to
confront him … The question “Then what?” may have more than one
possible answer … It is always possible to pick our fights.
If
something is trivial once, repeating it does not make it more
significant.
You
do not have to take personal responsibility for his inability to
appreciate good food.
Chapter
Five – Believing Your Press Agent
People
who believe they can walk on water have a way of sinking over their
heads.
Yes,
optimism is a good thing. But, just as a proper dose of vitamins is
helpful but an overdose of the same vitamins can be toxic, too much
optimism can get you into trouble.
Too
much positive thinking can hurt you.
If
you are successful at everything you try, your reality is pleasant
indeed. But most of us are not equally adept at everything.
In
his first book about himself, Donald Trump bragged about his ability
to make deals in which he acquired hotels, casinos, and other assets.
In his second book, Trump admitted that good though he was at deal
making, he hadn't paid enough attention to running those assets after
he bought them.
A
man's second wife is upset with him for buying his daughter a car.
But, because the man believes his own press agent, he does not feel
he owes the new wife any explanation.
A
belief in your own superiority can lead to blaming others when
problems arise.
When
you have achieved something, and others recognize that achievement,
it's easy to feel you no longer have to prove yourself.
We
aren't going to get rewards based on our proud past (aka Don't rest
on your laurels)
When
times are tough, some people react by taking up residence in the past
… If you are too rigid in defining what you can accept, you are
likely to fail to see opportunities when they are.
Your
mother has told you all your life how wonder you are, and would she
lie? No, of course not (This can cause you to believe your own press)
Tom grew up believing he was always right. Negotiation, explanation,
and compromise were for other people. Never for him.
Friends
are expected to flatter and praise (which can cause you to start
believing your own press)
Flattery
will get you everywhere, so it is said (And some bosses start to
believe the hype) Yes men are more popular with some executives than
subordinates who are prepared to argue.
Many
people so dislike being the bearer of negative news. So, sometimes it
is the people you work for that contribute to this thinking mistake.
Sometimes
the voice of privilege is the cause. A sense of entitlement. “He
was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.”
It
can be the voice of religion, a kind of divine protection, which
causes you to be convinced of your own invincibility.
A
teacher may say: “You can be anything you want to be.”
Two
types of people are most prone to these internal hype artists: those
who simply choose to believe that they are wonderful because someone,
usually a parent, has told them so. And those who have legitimately
achieved at a high level at on point in their lives and use that as
the lifelong basis for everything they do.
It's
not that revving up the can-do spirit isn't helpful. There is great
power in what psychologists call positive affirmation … But this
sort of thing is only for the short term.
Considering
the downside of anything is not a cheerful business. But it's part of
facing reality.
You
may have to work hard to make your dreams come true.
A
lot of life depends on how you look at it. A Marine General told a
reporter, “We are not retreating. We're just advancing in a
different direction.” In ordinary life as in war, one is sometimes
forced to retreat … Step back to proceed again.
The
trick in dealing with press agents is learning how to enjoy all the
compliments they pay without being controlled by them.
Buy
based on your assessment of a product, not on the salesperson's
assessment of you.
Every
emperor could use at least one child around.
Purely
thinking positive thoughts can backfire (This happens to be the thesis of
Gabriele Oettingen's book Rethinking Positive Thinking)
The
true winning attitude is a realistic one. It is confidence backed by
an open mind. It is a willingness to take responsibility for the
efforts required.
