Chapter
Two – The Chicken Little Syndrome
(This
has everything to do with jumping to conclusions)
This
is the sort of behavior known as catastrophizing. The mind leaps to
believe the worst. Disaster appears to lie jump around the corner.
Psychologist Albert Ellis calls it “awfulizing,” because the
individuals involved imagine a consequence so awful that they will
not be able to stand it.
(Chick
Little Syndrome causes that “sinking feeling” people get when
they anticipate bad things)
This
thought was so terrifying that their bodies responded with a feeling
of numbness, or palpitations, or chills.
There
are all sorts of situations in which it is easy enough to lose your
cool.
A
common tendency of those who believe that disaster is unavoidable is
to simply give up.
This
is the infamous self-fulfilling prophecy.
All
Chicken Little and his friends have on their minds is escaping a
falling sky. So they don't question the fox's offer of refuge but
unthinkingly go with him.
All
this is not a call for what is generally known as positive
thinking. Far from it. This entire book is a call to realistic
thinking.
More
often than not, a hasty conclusion turns out to be wrong.
Realistic
thinkers do not deny that the worst is possible, but they also don't
assume the worst is guaranteed without investigating first.
This
is what we commonly refer to as making a mountain out of a molehill.
As
psychiatrist Dr Aaron Beck discovered in his groundbreaking research,
what happens is that you quite literally talk yourself into that
worst conclusion.
(Our
internal conversations) take place not in minutes but in seconds,
maybe even milliseconds … Dr Beck calls these quick-flying thoughts
“automatic thoughts.”
She
is so busy thinking of how terrible will be the outcome she can't
think clearly. Her automatic thoughts are working against her.
Automatic
thoughts are perfectly normal.
You
can easily replay the tape of your thoughts if you concentrate on
doing so.
Learning
how to argue with your automatic thoughts will help you avoid those
self-fulfilling prophecies of disaster.
This
does not mean you have to constantly monitor every thought you
have. It doesn't mean analyzing everything you do.
Develop
your skill so that you can call on that skill when you need it.
The
first – and most important – technique is checking for meaning.
We
like to think that we always say what we mean and mean what we say.
But, if you think about it, you'll have to admit this isn't true.
Often
you don't really mean what you are thinking.
(If
you are struggling with jumping to conclusions, and the Chicken
Little Syndrome, try to make a habit of asking yourself “Is that
really true?”)
It
is so helpful to realize that catastrophizing can occur.
Another
technique is questioning the evidence.
The
Chicken Little Syndrome can occur at any time.
Writing
down your thoughts helps you to reach them.
You
know the answers. You just have to remember to ask yourself the
questions.
What
seems to be a dire event seems less so when you see it in writing.
It
may help you to imagine yourself trying to convince somebody else
that things are not as bad as you claim … Play your own defense
attorney … you need to review the evidence.
If
you conclusion has not happened in the past, why assume the situation
is different this time?
Since
she does not know which, if any, of the explanations is so, why
believe – and get hysterical about – the worst one?
When
examining a catastrophic scene, that you have drawn in your mind, ask
yourself, “What is wrong with this picture?”
The
object is always to question that first disastrous conclusion. The
object is to resist the temptation to rush right down the mental
shortcut that takes you from a single negative thought to a
conclusion that disaster is imminent and unavoidable.
There
is no shortage of paths to travel when you allow yourself to take
that shortcut to disaster. When you analyze your thoughts, check to
see whether you are heading down one of these troublesome paths:
The
Path of Global Effect – You take a single failure in one segment of
your life and draw conclusions from it for your whole life.
The
Path of Generalization – You say to yourself: “That didn't work
well this time,” which means it will never work.
The
Path of Imitation – Imitation might be called the Turkey Lurky
effect because it involves adopting, without any examination or
questioning, the catastrophic conclusions of others.
The
Path of Magnification – You make a mountain out of a molehill. You
make a small mistake or have a minor negative experience and assume
that it will have major consequences. This is a favorite path of
hypochondriacs.
Catastrophizers
seem to have the ability to transmit their tension to others.
What
we view is the worst that can happen is a highly individual matter.
There's
a joke told about a hypochondriac who dies at the age of ninety-eight
and has inscribed on his tombstone, “See, I told you I was sick.”
Realistic
thinking means that you don't magnify the results of a single
negative event without investigating.
It's
reasonable to be self-protective … Simply giving yourself, and
events, the benefit of the doubt will open your mind to possible
solutions and opportunities … True protection lies in realistically
assessing your situation.
Chapter
Three – Mind Reading
Deep
down, all of us know that mind reading is either impossible or at
least extraordinarily rare.
It's
an illusions that can occur in two ways: (1) assuming that we can
tell what other people are thinking or (2) assuming that other people
not only can, but should, know exactly what we are thinking without
having to be told.
It's
true that you can often anticipate the wishes or actions of someone
you know well. But trouble lies in wait if you assume that you can
know how someone will react every time.
Even
with someone you know very well you cannot count on being right all
the time. People have a way of being unpredictable.
Rachel
was angry because her husband had failed to fulfill her unspoken
wishes and expectations … The bottom line is that Rachel cannot
know what Tom is thinking unless she asks him. He cannot know what
she is thinking unless she tells him.
Making
assumptions is a form of mental shorthand, and it's extremely helpful
in keeping life moving along.
Psychologists
and psychiatrists learn how to turn off their professional ear in
purely social situations so that they are not constantly pondering:
“What did he really mean by that?”
Doting
pet owners are inclined to endow their birds and animals with human
attributes and read their minds accordingly … It's normal but it's
not mind reading.
We
draw from all sorts of cues and clues in our detecting efforts. We
attribute meaning to what we see and hear … But looks can be
deceiving … Tears may flow from disappointment or happiness.
It's
important to remember that no matter how we go about assembling the
evidence from which we draw conclusions, one thing about them is
always true, they only provide a partial picture.
(Humans
tend to have a need for closure. Wheel of Fortune has turned it into
a game.)
Remember
– Mind reading gets us into trouble when we believe it is something
we can do: with everybody, perfectly, all the time. What you actually
can do is to guess the thoughts of: some people, with some accuracy,
some of the time.
Let's
list some of the most common ways people who assume they know what is
in another's mind can go wrong:
– You
draw a conclusion about what someone else is thinking based on what
you would think in that same position.
– You
draw a conclusion based on past behavior.
– You
reach your conclusion based on what you expect, having written the
end of the story first.
– You
may draw a conclusion based on what you want the answer to be.
– You
draw a conclusion based on insufficient data.
– Your
conclusion ignores the existence of cultural or personality
differences.
– You
are misreading visual or verbal cues.
– The
object of your mind reading is sending false messages.
When
you send a message in code, you can't be sure the other person can
decipher it.
A
mother knows quite often but not always.
Once
you are willing to accept the fact that mind reading does not always
work, you are well on the way to knowing better when it matters.
A
first line of defense is simply to identify the mistake. Ask
yourself, “Am I mind reading?”
As
with every thinking mistake, it helps to write down your assumptions
if you can.
Particularly
useful here is a trio of techniques known as developing alternatives
in thought, developing alternatives in feeling, and developing
alternatives in action.
Since
the boss has not said what he thinks, alternative conclusions are
equally valid.
It
may be possible to test your perceptions in small ways.
It
can be helpful to imagine a different image for yourself and others.
Picture having a good time … Practice … Self-fulfilling
prophecies can work two ways.
On
occasion, giving up the mind reading mistake means speaking up in a
direct way … Clear, spoken language.
Speaking
up will guarantee that Marie will get the result she desires. But
only by speaking up does Marie make it possible for that result to
occur.
Most
people would much prefer to win a contest without having to go
through the bother of entering it, but that's not the way things
generally work.
The
most important mind to read is your own.
