Chapter Eight – Comparisonitis
There
comes a day when the queen asks the mirror: “Who is the fairest of
them all?” and the mirror has to inform the queen that she has been
displaced.
The
suffix -itis means “inflammation.”
Comparisons
function as a point of reference, as a means of bringing order out of
chaos … Comparing allows us to put things in a context.
By
and large, negative comparisons cause the most grief
More
often than not, you probably compare yourself to those who seem
to have more.
You
might wish to be “as thin as Jane Fonda.” Or, you might compare
status and awards.
Death
is a drastic solution to the problem, of course, but it is often
difficult to come to terms with changes in your life that make you
feel less than you were before.
Comparisons
provides the plot for the movie classic It's a Wonderful Life.
We
have already talked about dealing with the criticisms of others in an
earlier chapter. Negative comparing is just another form of
criticism. The critical issue is whether you internalize their
comparison and make it your own.
It's
only natural to prefer to be compared favorably to others.
Advertisers take advantage of this desire.
You
can often turn a disadvantage to an advantage. Psychiatrist Alfred
Adler argued that the human striving for superiority is one of the
prime motivating forces in life.
Adler
stressed the importance of role models, people you believe are
superior. He felt that the desire to be more like those people
motivates you to grow and learn.
Many
accomplished people tell of being motivated to succeed in order to
show people who said: “You don't have what it takes.”
Yes,
comparisons can be useful tools to prod, motivate, move, and inspire.
But they can also be used with great effectiveness to destroy …
Depending on how you take them, negative comparisons can damage your
self-confidence and warp your judgment.
You
know how you are affected. When you compare yourself to some specific
other person, or to your past, or to your dream, does it make you
more determined to succeed, or does it seem only to discourage you? …
Do you say to yourself, “If he can do it, I can do it too,” or
does it bring on a bout of jealousy.
One
of the most common results of companionitis is giving up.
Alfred
Adler contended that people who have a need to diminish others in
order to look good themselves suffer from an overinflated inferiority
complex.
The
urge to keep up with the Joneses, to be seen by others as equally
prosperous or brave or smart or whatever, gets a great many people
into trouble.
The
first step to curing the pain of companionitis is to weed out
companions that are simply wrong. To do this, you must ask yourself a
series of question:
– What
are you comparing?
– How
accurate is your companion?
– Are
you drawing conclusions about all of that person's life based on the
one fact you are sure of?
– When
you make your companion, do you chalk up every positive that exists
on the other side but ignore any positive on your own side? Do you
fairly tote up the negatives on both sides of your companion?
– Do
you confuse “getting there” with “being there”?
There
are pluses and minuses to every choice and, to make a fair companion,
you need to include all of them?
What
meaningful difference does your companion make?
Oprah
Winfrey has said that she realized she was not as pretty as many of
her classmates, and getting by on looks was not going to be a good
plan for her.
Superexaggeration
is a good technique to use in companionitis. That means deliberately
exaggerating your comparison.
You
can go one step at a time.
A
lot of us define ourselves by our work. Be careful. You can go too
far.
The
greatest barrier to solving problems is not failing to come up with a
solution, it is coming up with a single solution and stopping there.
Here's
a helpful hint when doing comparison: Don't just compare two ways
(alternative A vs. alternative B), compare four ways. Here's how that
works: Take two pieces of paper and draw a line down the middle of
each. The heading of one will be the advantages and disadvantages of
alternative A. The heading of the second will be the advantages and
disadvantages of alternative B.
You
will never stop making comparisons, and of course you don't want to
give up those comparisons that are helpful. But you may find that
your life becomes more comfortable if you simply start comparing less
– and less often.
Chapter
Nine – What-If Thinking
The
what-if person is similar to Chicken Little in that both can clearly
see a catastrophe that hasn't happened … The what-if person doesn't
claim anything terrible has happened, but focuses attention on the
fact that it could happen.
What-if
questions make you feel vulnerable and exposed.
What-if
thinking is paralyzing.
What-if
people find it difficult to take risks because the potential dangers
of failure loom so much larger than the potential gains of success.
Although
bad things do happen, it is demonstrably, statistically true that
they do not happen as often as we worry about them happening. And the
things we worry about often turn out to be nowhere near as serious as
we feared, or we can handle the problem more easily than we thought.
Here
is an example of how emotional thoughts can runaway and snowball. One
married man felt tremendous guilt and fear after kissing and fondling
his secretary. He worried, “What if she becomes pregnant?” Here's
the thing, the man knew full-well his secretary had had a
hysterectomy. What's more, the two had not engaged in intercourse. So
goes emotionality. When the mind starts to race, it can take on a
mind of its own. Here's the big kicker, the man was a biology
professor! There's the thing, knowing better will not necessarily
prevent a mistake in thinking.
What-if
thinking can work like this. A tree branch, moved by the wind, raps
against a window in your home. Your mind starts racing, “What if it
is a burglar?” And, you become terrified.
To
be flawed, a premise does not have to be impossible, but simply not
very likely.
Let's
say you apply for a job at a TV station. And, your minds starts to
race, “What if the station manager thinks I am foolish for daring
to apply for this job? And what if he jokes about me to others at the
station? What if he tells my present boss that I applied? What if my
boss then gets angry and fires me? What if....?”
What-if
behavior is simply another means we use for focusing on the negative
rather than the positive, for talking ourselves into being more
miserable rather than talking ourselves out of being miserable and
into feeling more confident.
Pretty
soon it is hard to tell where what-if leaves off and the Chicken
Little syndrome with its accompanying all-is-lost feeling begins.
Many
people put off seeing the doctor about some symptom that concerns
them because they are worried that their worst fears will be
confirmed.
What-if
thinking clearly is not a mistake when it is used to spur the
imagination toward envisioning options or preparing for a challenge.
Worry
is a very individual matter. Some people are scared to fly. As it
happens, there are more deaths more automobile crashes than from
airplane crashes.
Tom
is undeniably brave. Yet he becomes tongue-tied at the thought of
confronting his wife with his anger about her methods of disciplining
the children. “What if she leaves me? What if I never see our
children again? What if....?”
Just
as you can talk yourself into worrying more, you can talk yourself
into worrying less.
If
you are determined to worry as long as there is even one chance in a
zillion that what you fear will happen, you are building a prison
cell in which to confine yourself.
The
most important question you must ask about what-if thinking is
whether it helps you or hurts you … Ask yourself whether by
avoiding certain risks you are actually creating greater risks to
your health, your career potential, or your future happiness in
general.
Questioning
your evidence is important in dealing with all mistakes in thinking.
The
very act of questioning a what-if scenario slows down the automatic
process that escalates tension, builds fear, deepens worry, and
immobilizes the thinker.
You
can go from one physician to the next, never believing anyone who
gives you a diagnosis that you are fine – if, that is, you combine
perfectionism with what-if thinking and demand a statistical
certainty of zero.
If
questioning the evidence doesn't resolve your worries, you can try to
interrupt your what-if thoughts by means of a diversion (This is the
Distraction I have previously discussed on this blog)
Instead
of simply repeating these thoughts over and over in your mind, get
the answers … If you are worried about whether there is a hospital
to treat a condition you have, find out, and put your mind at rest.
You
could also divert your mind with a relaxation technique.
Another
very useful technique when your thoughts are making you miserable is
to schedule a specific time to let those miserable thoughts out, and
then refuse to allow them to intrude at any other time of the day or
night. This is much easier to do than most people think.
You
can treat your need to worry the same way you treat your need to do
the laundry, mow the lawn, or see your dentist. You make time for it.
If
you have too many things to do, worrying around the clock cannot help
you get those things done, because worrying makes everything harder
to do.
Schedule
things that you like, that you might have put off. Why? Because your
what-if thinking can create a feeling that there is nothing you can
enjoy now, or ever.
You
can schedule time to prepare for the problem you fear, just in case
it does arrive.
Scheduled
activities can get you moving when what-if thinking has stopped you
cold.
