Chapter
Ten – The Imperative Should
We
use the word should as shorthand for the difference between right and
wrong.
So
how could saying should possibly be a mistake? Amazing but
true, this common, everyday word has an enormous potential for
stirring up trouble. To be precise, it isn't the mere saying of the
word that is the problem, is is the meaning that most of us
associate with it.
Should
is action without thinking.
As
we grow up, even after we are able to handle abstractions
intellectually, it's common to maintain a certain core of shoulds.
When
we say should, we usually mean: “Don't think about it, don't
question it, just do it. This is right. Anything else is wrong.”
Shoulds
differ by culture. Americans value individualism.
Today
it seems quaint to recall a time when good girls did not display an
ankle.
Most
of us don't want to have to think about, investigate, and question
every single thing we do.
We
find comfort in having stability and structure built into life. And
we are talking about stability and structure when we use the word
should. Flexibility can be scary. Too much flexibility is chaos. The
more choices you have to make, the more opportunities you have for
choosing “wrong.”
The
belief that there is only one path can also bring you unnecessary
misery.
You
can identify the particular should that make your life more
difficult. The first step in dealing in a constructive way with the
shoulds that make you feel guilty, angry, anxious, regretful, or
stressed is to make a list of them:
– What
should you be doing that you are not?
– What
should you have done that you didn't do?
– What
are others doing wrong where you are concerned?
– What
duty are you fulfilling that makes you angry?
– What
act are you contemplating that you know violates you values?
In
a way, shoulds are very much like shoes. You need a certain amount of
structure in shoes to give your feet proper support, but if your
shoes have no give at all or if they are laced too tightly, they'll
begin to pinch.
To
widen the bridge that you walk on requires thinking anew about each
and every should you have listed.
Should
also plays a role in the power we hand over to our perceived critics.
We translate what we assume they are thinking into a command.
Psychologist
Albert Ellis believes we would be better off if we simply banished
the word should from our vocabularies.
Gordon
cannot forgive himself for not doing something to prevent his brother
from committing suicide.
When
you stop, write them down, and analyze them, you may well find you
are enforcing shoulds that don't even exist. Sound strange? It's
really quite common.
All
actions have consequences. But those consequences may not be the ones
that you automatically assume.
Think
in terms of the best, rather than the only, solution.
Ruminating
about a mistake that you cannot now undo, or bitterly remembering how
another person hurt or failed you, can – to borrow a metaphor –
stop the clock of your life … The past cannot be changed.
Devoting
all your thoughts to what might have been will not move you an inch
toward what might still be.
The
best way to deal with a should of the past is to learn from it (you
may resolve to be more careful in your choice of martial partner or
job in the future) and then push it to the back of your mind. How do
you do that? You replace one set of thoughts with another.
Even
if it's true that you cannot be as happy as you would have been if
things had gone as they should have in the past, it may still be
possible for you to be happier in the future than you are now.
What
you do know is that you have the choice of either trying to make the
future better or continuing to bemoan the past.
When
dealing with guilt, remember, here is more than one way to amend for
past offenses. To do no more than feel miserable will never change
the past nor improve the future.
Shoulds
can literally cause a couple to fight over how dishes should
be washed.
You
do not have to accept that the other person is right when you agree
to do things their way.
If
might be better if members of a family stick together, but you may
decide that the price is sticking together is not one you wish to
pay.
Avoiding
the should mistake is simply a matter of giving yourself permission
to consider, weigh evidence, and to decide among alternatives rather
than just reacting automatically. As you consider the shoulds in your
life, you will undoubtedly decide to hang on to some because they
make you feel comfortable. You may well decide to accommodate some of
the shoulds of others because it makes them comfortable. And
there may be shoulds that you decide to modify or give up. The
critical word here is decide. In each case, you make the decision.
You decide what's better. You decide what's possible. You have the
power to loosen those shoulds that pinch so tightly that they impede
your progress through life.
Chapter
Eleven – Yes-Butism
Yes,
that was wonderful. But, not wonderful enough … A negative that
cancels out all satisfaction … It snatches defeat from the jaws of
victory. It surrounds every silver lining with a cloud.
When
used properly, the kitchen knife is innocent, helpful, and quite
necessary. But if used thoughtlessly, emotionally, angrily, or
maliciously, that same kitchen knife can do a lot of damage. The same
knife that peels the potatoes can become a lethal weapon. Yes-but
thinking has that same potential for destruction.
There
is almost no limit to how far a yes-but thinking will search to find
a negative.
Generally,
yes-but arises from a perception of powerlessness … Saying yes-but
enables you to avoid a direct confrontation … In short, in one way
or another, when you use yes-but, you are admitting that you don't
have the power to change anything.
It
doesn't give an outsider a chance to reject you. It's always easier
to accept rejection at your own hands than at the hands of another.
Yes-but
people tend to be procrastinators.
Many
people have trouble saying no. It may arise from a feeling of guilt …
A problem in saying no may also arise from an ardent desire to be
accepted … Often people with a yes-but habit developed it as
children. Usually they had to deal with a parent who was never
willing to take no for an answer.
Yes-but
is frequently used to shift responsibility.
This
is the domestic version of guerrilla warfare. Stephen fears he can
never earn the respect of others for his achievements, so he resorts
to building himself up (at least in his own eyes) by knocking others
down.
Yes-but
is a bust as a power tool.
Todd
may be right that Melissa is hiding her true anger, but he cannot
know that unless he tests the evidence … Here Todd makes the
mistake of perfectionism. If he can't solve all the problems at once,
he will not attempt to solve any of them.
Instead
of facing her fears and dealing with them, she shields herself with
yes-but.
Listen
to yourself. Make yourself aware of what you are thinking.
Changing
Yes-But to Yes-And … This is the assertiveness equivalent of the
difference between seeing a glass as half full rather than half
empty. It is a mindset that adds rather than subtracts.
To
get out of the nothing-can-be-done mode requires focusing on one
single piece of the project – a starting point, a thread that leads
to other threads.
Mao
Tse-tung is quoted as saying, “The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.”
I'm
going to keep on doing these until I reach my goal.
Yes-and
stops you from procrastinating.
A
technique that may be helpful in getting you started is role playing
… You have probably already played many different roles in your
life.
Another
useful technique in dealing with some forms of yes-but is a reversal
of though that deliberately seeks out a positive rather than a
negative … You must first surface what you are thinking. Then try
your thought again in reverse order.
Do
you find you always have something to add? “Yes, that's nice, but
the margins could be wider.”
The
advice “Just say no” (to drugs, to people, etc) makes it sound
easy, but saying no is, in many cases, very difficult. It calls for
asserting yourself, and just the thought of that can bring on an
attack of what-if thinking combined with the Chicken Little Syndrome.
Remember,
being more assertive does not necessarily mean you have to get into a
fight.
It
may be possible this person might be reasonable enough to welcome
some suggested alternatives.
Becoming
aware of the yes-but mistake can help you deal with those who are
determined to yes-but you. This is not criticism that you must accept
without question.
