The Vulnerability Paradox

A few week ago I posted an article about Brene Brown (Here it is) Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher. And, what she says is that we are here, on Earth, to connect to other human beings. A lot of people agree.

One of the world's hottest areas of scientific study is an area called “Positive Psychology.” Some people call it happiness research. Different scientists have slightly different perspectives on what causes happiness. In fact, some do not even like using the word “Happiness.”

That said, regardless of their persuasion, or lingo, there does seem to be one thing that all positive psychologists agree on; relationships are central to happiness. Humans are a social creature, and relationships can make life a heaven or a hell.

Back to Brown. In her book Daring Greatly, Brown writes, “Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”

One of the things Professor Brown found is that fear inhibits connection. Which should not be a surprise. But, what do we fear? One of the main things we fear is being vulnerable. And, this leads to an important paradox. Brown calls it the vulnerability paradox. Very simply it goes like this. When it comes to connecting, with another human being, vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you, and it is the last thing I want you to see in me. Big problem.

One of the ways we avoid feeling vulnerable is perfectionism. We often try to be perfect, and flawless, to avoid feelings of inadequacy or unlovability. The problem is, in an ironic twist of fate, the solution is the problem.

Trying to appear perfect, to others, can actually backfire. When we put on this flawless front we often think people will be impressed. As it turns out, the exact opposite is usually the case. People cannot relate to perfection. We all know the truth of the saying “To err is human.” We all know that we all make mistakes. So, when somebody presents themselves as being free of error, we have a hard time trusting them.

I know I tend to be a perfectionist. And, what I have learned it that perfection is a problem. Perfection is really hard to relate to precisely because it is impossible to attain. Yes, I believe perfection is an illusion. I do not believe perfection is even possible. At least not in this existence.

How about an English example? Is it really all that important if we get our possessives grammatically correct? Does it really matter if we put Midas' or Midas's? How about "their" versus "there"? And, is that question mark supposed to be inside the quotation marks or not? And, if you have a pet peeve about any of those mistakes, is it possible that you are a little to perfectionistic? (and, yes, at least that time, I misspelled "too" on purpose)

Back to the vulnerability paradox. We search for vulnerability in others and try to hide vulnerability in ourselves. Don't you agree? And, if you agree, do you see how self-defeating this approach can be? So, I guess the next question is, how do we resolve the vulnerability paradox? In a word, courage.

If we are here to connect, that is to say, if we wish to build relationships with others, we need to have the courage to be vulnerable. So, how do we do that? How do we develop courage? The answer is simple, we develop courage just like we develop any skill, by practicing.

Professor Brown has coined a term for the process of developing courage. She says we develop courage by “couraging.” In essence, what the professor is talking about is practice.

I believe that courage is one of the most important traits a human can develop. For this reason, I recommended baby steps. I believe that small steps are big steps (a paradox in and of itself.) Most people never take a single step towards their fears. So, even the smallest of steps is relatively enormous when compared to doing nothing (doing nothing – another paradox.)

First admit that fear is a problem. Then begin developing courage by taking the baby steps of practice. As a little hint, we often do not even recognize the existence of fear. We usually just feel uncomfortable. So, when you feel uncomfortable, accept that you must just be nervous, and begin Couraging. Give it a try.